we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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