Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
