why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
this just has baby written all over it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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