office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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