just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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