I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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