Im at strip club and am horny
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
