My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
