I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
