Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
