If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just puked most of my soul out..
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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