sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
jump out the window naked night went bad
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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