Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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