Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
ok first of all what the fuck
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
