just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
