Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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