I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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