I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
