You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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