dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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