you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
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It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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