I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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