Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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