i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
