The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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