That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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