Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
