When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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