Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
