Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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