I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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