ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
