I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
