My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
