I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
