Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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