I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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