Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
