Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
