It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
