ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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