Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
