I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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