There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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