i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
