There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He kissed a someone with a penis
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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