Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
