I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
