my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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