She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
