Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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