i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
