I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
