put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
