You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
