They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
