captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
