Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Welp...herpes.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
