Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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